The Strong-Willed Child Goes To College

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Disobedient.  Disruptive.  Defiant.  And sometimes downright mean.  These words all described what was then our chaos producing middle child Maddie as a two and three year-old.  At a loss for how to deal with it, I resorted to outside help in a couple of books; James Dobson’s “The Strong-Willed Child” and Kevin Leman’s “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.”

I’m not really sure if the books were helpful or not.  She might have just grown out of it. But I am sure that those who know Maddie today find it hard to believe that she absorbed more tongue-lashings and doses of swift and immediate correction than her three siblings combined.

A few weeks back, I was talking to a friend whose oldest son and Maddie’s classmate was departing for college soon.  He shared with me the same uneasy feelings that my wife and I had stumbled through two years ago when our oldest daughter went away.  I told him that it would be easier for both of us when the time came for our second oldest children to go away.

I was wrong.

My theory was that I had seemingly done more life with Maddie than I had with her older sister Macy.  As things worked out, I managed to coach Maddie’s youth soccer, Upward basketball, middle school basketball, and even help with her travel soccer team.  We had been through the battles together and seen the best and worst of each other.  I firmly believed that it wouldn’t be difficult to send her away.

For all the ways that Macy had taken after her dad with a quiet and laid back personality, Maddie seemed to mirror her mother’s strength and determination.  There would be no need to worry about Maddie or a struggle to let go.

But something changed in the days leading up to her departure for Taylor University (5 hours away).  When I was alone in my office each day with my thoughts, surrounded by pictures of our kids from birth to present day, I cried.  Some days worse than others.

I cried because I know the feeling her absence from our home will bring.  But mostly I cried tears of joy and gratitude.  She IS like her mother.  Her faith in God IS strong.  Our 17 year-old daughter is going away and I have zero fear for her ability to make good decisions.  I am grateful.

maddie goes to college

Move-in day came.  Her mother and I accompanied her to a few orientation type events and meals around the Taylor campus.  I remained mostly quiet in the background, trying to study the looks on Maddie’s face and gauge her state of mind.

My thoughts drifted back in time more than once.  I saw Maddie once again as an undersized 7th grade basketball player with a big heart.

 

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Maddie stood nervously at the free throw line, ready to shoot, .2 seconds showing on the clock, with her team trailing by one point.  She’d already missed the first free throw.  When our opponent called a timeout after the miss, I explained to her that they had called the timeout just to freak her out a little more.  At this point I wasn’t a coach, but I was just Maddie’s dad offering assurance to my daughter, “Sis, it will be great if you make it.  It’s no big deal if you miss.  Just relax.”  Truthfully, she probably hit about 15% of her free throws on the year because she simply lacked the strength to get the ball to the rim.  As she returned to the line to make her attempt to send the game to overtime, I positioned myself standing in front of the bench so that she could see me if she glanced my way.  Fear and uncertainty showed on her face as the referee bounced the ball to her.  Everything about her body language screamed “what if I miss?”

She did look my way before her she shot.  “Hit or miss, it will be alright”, I could only hope she could understand that just from the look on her dad’s face.

As I walked across the Taylor campus with Maddie, I finally had to ask the question, “Well sis, do you think you’re gonna do alright here?”

Her answer was a simple, “Uh yeah.”  But the look on her face said it all.  “I’ll be alright.”

Second free throw goes in.  We win in overtime.

Gone today is the defiance and disobedience of her early years.  But the strong will lives on and plays out in her faith.  Maddie believes in herself.  She is strong, determined, and caring like her mother.

She’s in a great place.  Her dad is grateful.  And grateful for homemade cards:

dads glasses

“Thank you for making me stronger.  Thank you for making me think. Thank you for showing me how to love and live through the eyes of Jesus.”  –Maddie Shay

I cried today also.  But I’ll be alright.

 

 

 

 

Daddy, How Can You Be a Christian AND a Democrat?

“Daddy, how can you be a Christian and be a Democrat?”
Honest question. Thirty days later I still don’t have the answer.
I’ve read a lot of bible verses about subjects like “work” and
“looking after orphans and widows”.
I even came across this one:
“You shall not murder.” Exodus 20:13
So now, I have arrived at this conclusion:
I don’t have THE answer. I have AN answer.
Biblical truths form my belief system.
These beliefs determine my attitudes and my actions.
But it’s been awhile since I had a chat with anyone on the supreme court about abortion.
And I’m still waiting for my opportunity to weigh in on a national level
on matters like welfare and healthcare reform.
For Christians, political parties cannot define who we are.
I assume many Christians fall into a similar category; one party consistently
supports or promotes positions that are exactly
“what is wrong with our country”.
But truthfully, picking a side in politics simply dictates how we might vote.
It doesn’t dictate how we live.
My approach to political discussions resembles the exchanges I have with
someone who has a favorite sports team that I despise.
I dislike everything about the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Louisville Cardinals.
And I don’t know why or how anyone arrives at the point of being fans, but some fine
people and dear friends are devoted fans of these teams.
Our different views provide opportunities for colorful discussion, but
it can never affect our relationships.
If the guy sitting next to me in a pew (hypothetical yes, because I sit alone….
bad singing and all) happens to run for sheriff or mayor as a Democrat in Smalltown, USA
then I can’t really label him as a baby killer and assume that he will fight to the
death for anything and everything that the Democratic party stands for on
a national level.

boss hog

He could be a 4th generation Democrat that believes in the same biblical truths as me.

Perhaps his interpretation of taking care of widows and orphans differs slightly from my own.

It’s not, and cannot be made to be a huge issue.

What is the huge issue?

I believe it is this:  that Christians should be very careful how they
speak and interact with others when it comes to political differences.

It matters not if someone is Republican or Democrat.

It matters only if they are a believer or an unbeliever.

Christians must have an awareness of refusing to water down or compromise biblical truths.

But as we engage with others in interactions of a political nature we must also be

aware of the dangers of our actions and words ensuring

that unbelievers will remain unbelievers.

Live what you believe…….absolutely.

And know that political debate, while it can stimulate intelligent and entertaining discussion,

is not an effective ministry tool.  It is a good way to identify with those who believe as you do.

It may not be the best way to change the beliefs of those who do not.

And it may not be the best way to spend your time and energy.

Heaven Help Me, I’ve Become A Liberal

What the heck is a liberal?

Disclaimer first:  I don’t dig too deeply into politics.  For those of you who do, please forgive my errors in assumptions, classifications, definitions, and generalizations.

I associate liberalism with the practice of looking at that which is deemed socially or biblically acceptable or unacceptable,

and constantly re-shaping it to meet one’s own desires, habits, and beliefs.

If you can’t live with the rules, change the rules.  There is no absolute measure of right and wrong.  Just be yourself.

Adapt the truths instead of adapting yourself to truths.

Maybe a perfect example of liberal thinking happened recently in the world of college football.

Last year’s Heisman trophy winner Johnny Manziel  was seemingly in big trouble for signing autographs for money.

This is a practice clearly against NCAA rules for its student athletes.

Manziel is a kid from a wealthy family who apparently wanted something immediately that

exceeded what his budget would allow,so he knowingly broke the rules to make some quick bucks.

The alarming part wasn’t that the NCAA penalty was a whopping half-game suspension.

The disturbing part was the outcry of national media folks  defending Manziel because the “rules weren’t fair”.

manziel

He “should” be able to sell autographs for money.  Let’s change the system.

Forget the fact that he thought he was bigger than the system and the rules that were in place.

His university is making big bucks from his affiliation with their football program.

Sooooo, I mean, who can blame him?  Right?  Wrong, blame falls squarely on him.

We should….

Everybody deserves……

But it’s not fair…….

Let’s change it.  Redefine what’s acceptable so people can do what they feel is fair (my favorite word).

And so I silently stew and fuss.  Finally try to make it a teaching point for my teenage son about consequences

and the lengths that people go to to avoid facing them……

and how easy it is to enlist supporters in this quest.

Then.  Then, I wonder if I am in fact a liberal in my own church?

Maybe I’ve seen a tradition or perhaps a widely accepted view and set out to ignore it or change it?

No, I’m not talking about selling the church piano on ebay and sneaking in a bad reincarnation of Stryper to lead worship.

stryper

I am talking about people’s views on what is acceptable dress in churches.

I have silently and systematically rebelled against the notion that people have to dress in a certain manner when they enter God’s house for worship.

More specifically, it sort of itches my rear when someone expresses with words, attitutde, or looks a displeasure or disapproval with another’s choice of attire.

Modesty?  Of course.  Nobody wants to see some guy in a wife-beater just because he wants to show off his new tattoos  and big guns.

Ladies, if your skirt is shorter than my underwear,

I would have to question why you would wear that anywhere in public, not just church.

And perhaps even the sloppiest of dressers like myself should make some concessions.

I won’t wear the same shoes to church that I mow the yard in, and I have an Iron Maiden

“Trooper” shirt with blood splatters that I save for special occasions of a different type (date night with my wife-it’s her favorite shirt you know).

I think it’s awesome when people feel the need to put on their “Sunday finest” as a matter of reverence toward God.

benny hinn

But is it sometimes done for show or to meet the expectations of men?  Is it an exclusionary tradition that keeps new people away from church?

Obviously, people grasp for the closest and most convenient reasons why they can’t or won’t at least visit your church.

Most common phrase I hear is, “I don’t have anything to wear”.

Save your money and I’ll check back with you when you have enough to buy nice clothes?

I live with the philosophy that every church needs a good number of people that can honestly say,

“you can dress like me.  I wear what I’m wearing now, blue jeans and t-shirt.”

It’s not a lack of reverence, just a sign of outreach.

Let’s eliminate one reason you have for not taking the first step toward knowing Jesus as your savior.

What if I get up to preach (gasp!) in sandals and a wrinkly t-shirt?  Would you listen?

Would nicer, more traditional “preacher attire” make me a more credible

speaker of God’s word?  Gee, maybe I gave all my money to the poor and an old Stryper shirt is all I have left?

You just don’t know.

Do I honestly own nice clothes?  No.  Doesn’t matter if I can’t afford them or simply choose not to spend for them.

Do I try to poke holes in man-made traditions?  Yes.

Am I drifting into liberal waters?   Perhaps, but I’m not crossing the line of worship evolving into a casual or cool event either.

Am I attempting to change God’s commands or truths?  Absolutely not.

Bottom line.  Why do you do what you do?  Because your parents did it this way?  Because the Bible says?

Know the difference.

For a person to find find a relationship with God, somebody has to have a relationship with THAT person.

Churches need to find the ability and willingness to attract and welcome all types of people.

Besides, Stryper didn’t reach too many with their Christian 80’s hair metal.

Somebody still has to be able to reach out to the Iron Maiden and Slayer fans, right?

Don’t judge me.  Just go along with me.  Sometimes even sit with me.

Oh dear, I’m not a liberal, but I know now why I have the only one-man pew in my entire church.

What the Flock Did You Say?

A “potty mouth” doesn’t necessarily reflect the condition of one’s heart.  But a sharp, critical tongue that pours negativity and gossip usually does.
Dirty words.
Maybe I have cleaned up a really colorful vocabulary over the years?  Does this make my choice of words any more pleasing to God?  No, not unless I clean up the way I talk to and about His other children.
I’m not suggesting that we all start unleashing a slew of “bowling words”.  But I am suggesting that Christians should ease up on their judgement of those who use them.  Sure, I’m going to speak up when certain language is used around my kids.  But nothing says “holier than thou hypocrite” than a Christian who speaks harshly or down to others while sticking their nose up at the guy who “lets one slip” occasionally.
I assume I am, by nature, a lot like everybody else; if I really wanted to break down all my sins, it would be hard to find many that didn’t involve something that came out of my mouth that shouldn’t have.  For those of us who tend to have to do a lot of apologizing, many times it boils down to reacting to something, toward someone, in a way that is both hurtful to another person and disobedient to God.  Our reactions are gaged largely by our words and our tone of voice.  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way.  I shouldn’t have SAID THAT.”
JAMES 3: 7-10 7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
It’s pretty convenient to convince ourselves that we have tamed our tongue simply because we may not use 4-letter words.  I bet satan loves this false sense of achievement and security that we cling to, while we shred people with our tongues without even giving consideration to the error of our ways.  Consider the person who would never ever drop an f bomb but they devote a good portion of their conversations each day with words that have only the purpose of making others look bad…….to make one person lower their opinion or level of respect for another person.  Ouch.  Doesn’t make it ok just because we finish blasting someone with a cute phrase like, “it is what it is”, “bless her heart”, “I’m not gossiping, I”m just telling you what happened…(or even worse) what I heard happened. To build up or to tear down?  Choose words carefully.
James 1:19  “…Everyone should be quick to listen, SLOW TO SPEAK, and slow to become angry”