Last Place In the Last Race

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Karrick Dyer

I found myself in an unfamiliar place at the end of what turned out to be Maddie’s last high school cross country regional meet. A strange series of events led us to stick around to watch the last finisher in the boys race. I’d never even witnessed the last finisher in a girls race.

Maddie, a senior now, has been running in varsity races since she was a 6th grader. At many of those meets, she has found herself in the shadow of a high-finishing big sister. A running joke developed between Maddie and me over the years that her success would be measured in whether she puked or not after she finished.

“If you don’t puke, you can find a ride home with somebody else.”

Where you finish isn’t as important as how hard you compete and push yourself. When I was tied up with basketball coaching duties and unable to watch our girls run, a text update from my wife might read, “Maddie isn’t sure what place she finished, but she wants you to know that she puked after the race.”

I wasn’t always there to see every race. But I know that Maddie always finished well, never near the rear of the pack. And her mother and I always wanted to get to her as soon as possible after she finished because she truly did push herself to her limit in every race (even when she didn’t puke). I realized today I didn’t have a clue what it was like for those last finishers. I’d never stuck around to watch them cross the finish line.

This being Maddie’s last meet, there was a somber mood when she was done running. We talked, hugged a lot, and maybe even shed some tears. Her mother reluctantly left to try to catch big sister’s final college soccer game of the season (3 hours away).

Maddie and two of her biggest fans (her two brother) stuck around with me to watch East Carter’s boys run. We drifted toward the finish line to cheer for our boys team as they finished.

There was a crowd of approximately 100 people lining both sides of the homestretch, cheering wildly as the top finishers came in. Once approximately half the runners finished, it was pretty much determined who would qualify for the state meet. The crowd shrunk quickly.

We cheered the last of the East Carter boys as they finished. I stuck around a moment longer in a reflective mood, thinking of all the years our girls had been running, and knowing this was the last trip. Looking up, I saw only two runners in the distance remaining on the course. At this point I noticed that the crowd of more than 100 onlookers had dwindled to only about 6 people besides our family.

And that’s when I witnessed the coolest event of the day. A runner from Ashland Blazer’s girls team came running back from the finish line, toward the homestretch where the handful of fans were standing. And she was doing her best to generate excitement and support for a teammate who was still on the course.

“Come on guys, we have to go cheer for David!”

But I didn’t notice anyone following her. What I did notice was an Ashland runner way off in the distance, far behind the next-to-last place runner. I turned to my three kids, “we’re gonna cheer for these last two finishers.”

A middle-aged man across the course from me, who may have been walking away stopped in his tracks and asked the girl, “what’s the boy’s name?”

The theme spread quickly among those of us who remained:

Spread out and cheer for David.

Eventually the last two runners passed.

“Good job buddy.”

“Hang in there.”

“Good job David”

“Almost there, finish strong.”

Those last two runners had a nice cheering section as they finished. They might have finished to silence if not for the actions of the young lady from Asland Blazer. A great teammate.

The athletes that finish consistently in the front and middle of the pack…….maybe they have the advantages of higher levels of talent, self-motivation, and support/encouragement from parents..

For the athlete that finishes in the rear of the pack, there is the danger of finishing alone and discouraged. The danger of giving up.

Today, perhaps two runners finished last because that’s exactly where their training and experience placed them. But maybe, simply by the actions of this young lady preventing them from finishing in silence…….they will be motivated to continue on next season instead of giving up. And maybe their training and determination will reach a new level.

For the young lady from Ashland, well done! Thankful that our family was part of your act of encouragement.

I Never Thought It Would End THIS Way

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Karrick Dyer

For anyone who has ever coached youth sports of any kind, from pee-wee to middle school, and even high school sports in some cases………I have a deep question that has been floating in my mind in recent days. Just give me minute to circle around to it.

My youngest daughter wrapped up her high school soccer career tonight. The days leading up to it flooded me with memories of all her games past, both far and near. Thoughts of different leagues, cities, coaches, teammates, hotel rooms, victory, defeat. Reflections of how she changed over the years as a player, a competitor, and a person. Wondering how and why things have played out exactly as they have. Thinking about influences both good and bad that could have or would have made things better or worse if they’d been different.

And I started thinking about the kids that I have coached as my kids have grown up, from youth soccer to travel soccer, Upward basketball to middle school basketball. And I just can’t help wondering……

If all coaches could see into the future, to that very day when a kid puts away the cleats or the hi-tops for the last time and walks away from a game………would they choose to coach individual kids differently than they presently do?

Every kid walks away from their chosen sport someday…….then what?

Effective youth coaching is psychiatry and it is parenting. Each player is unique, and they have specific needs that team sports can bring them.

Many coaches fail to fill those needs because they falsely assume they are training the next state champs. They fail to see each child beyond that day when the sports equipment goes in the yard sale or the closet.

Shouldn’t the journey of sports teach these things and more to prepare kids for life beyond sports?

Standard of excellence
Work ethic
To believe in themselves
To trust others
The value of encouragement
To know they aren’t the center of the universe
To know that success does not come overnight (or in one practice)
To lose with dignity
To accept temporary failures without blaming others, and to realize these failures aren’t permanent
To be pushed to their physical limit, time and time again
To love and to be loved
To sacrifice for others
To respect authority and rules
Teamwork/unselfishness
To never give up

These things still matter when the cheering stops.

The cheering stopped for Maddie tonight. Her team lost in the regional semi-finals. In a game where she and her teammates truly “left it on the field”, the score was tied at the end of 80 minutes of regulation. Two 5-minute overtimes later, the score was still tied. Penalty kicks would now decide the match.

Maddie stood over the ball, ready to attempt her shot with her team facing a nearly hopeless 3-1 deficit.

If she missed this shot, the game was over. The season was over.

Sitting on my knees beside my wife, I simply mumbled, “Maddie needs to be to one to take this shot.”

Not because it could be the game winner………because it would be the shot that would seal the loss if she missed.

I don’t know what kind of reaction or look Kristy gave me, but I went on to say, “Maddie needs to be the one to take this shot, because I know she can handle missing the shot to end the game. She can handle it. That’s my daughter!”

And my voice cracked at the enormity of what I was saying in a trailing voice……..”that is OUR daughter”.

She missed. Game over. Season over. High school career over for her and her senior teammates.

Maddie played her heart out. And I was so proud of her. But when those words came out of my mouth, “that’s our daughter” it hit me so clearly. I was not proud of her effort or her performance.

I was proud of who she has become.

She met her mother and me after the game with head held high. That’s our daughter.

Do your best. Have fun. Train and play to win. In the end it’s just a game. The end came tonight. I’m thankful for all those who have prepared her in the right ways to go beyond this “end”.

If you’re coaching your 1st game or your 1000th, take an occasional peek toward the end. Winning is a by-product of doing all things the right way. Some lessons can’t be cast aside for the sake of early wins or just because you ARE winning games.

And while your players are dreaming of making that dramatic game-winning shot, you better spend some time preparing their toughness and character……for missing it.

Watching Me Watching You

Posted on May 17, 2015 by Karrick Dyer

If we expect our children to become adults who work hard when nobody is watching, it’s important to take time when they are children, to notice when they are working hard and doing their best.

I spent some time Friday night watching my nine year-old son Kal participating in the Center Shot archery program at our church. It’s his second year in the program, but he has no other archery experience. More potential than skill. What he knows about archery, he has learned through this program (his dad knows zilch).

I always watch him shoot at the target, but sometimes two kids are shooting at the same target. I can’t always tell which arrows are his from a distance. So I usually just watch his body language and facial expressions and see how closely he’s listening to instructions. Sometimes he looks my way in the back of the church gym during the night, but usually not.

I wasn’t paying particularly close attention at one point because he had just finished shooting all of his arrows into the target. I might have even been distracted by casual conversation with someone seated next to me. But I looked up just in time to see Kal, looking back at me proudly. He was pulling his arrows out of the target, but he was saving the best for last. His hand waited on the arrow that stuck perfectly in the middle of the target. Kal wasn’t going to pull it out until he was sure his dad had seen it (“look Dad, I did it”). As soon as we made eye contact and I gave him a thumbs up, he pulled it out and went about his business.

I didn’t carry out any notable “dad feat”. I just sat in a folding chair. But it made me think of kids that hit a bullseye and turn around looking for encouragement or approval…….and nobody’s there, time after time.

Today I watched my daughter Maddie run in her regional track meet. The 800M run is her top event and her best chance to advance to the state meet for the first time (1st & 2nd place qualify). She came into the meet as the 5th seed in region (I think?). As a 16 year-old junior, Maddie and I have shared hundreds and hundreds of athletic contests, many of those with me as her coach at youth and middle school levels.

But in high school, I have tried to be a quiet presence of support, hiding in the shadows. As a father of a teenage girl, the thought enters your mind that your daughter probably won’t even notice anymore if you’re not at her events (and does she even care if you come?). When Maddie was on the track today, I had no reason to believe she even knew where I was.

I stood by myself at a spot just outside the track, about 75 yards beyond the finish line. She looked strong as she passed me on the 2nd and final lap. She moved up from 5th place to a strong 2nd place finish on the lap, finishing 5 seconds better than her season’s best time.

Silently from a distance I watched. I wondered if she would look my way. I delighted in the joy in her face, felt a sense of pride in her laughter and sportsmanship among the other runners. And then she shocked me. Maddie looked across the track at me like she knew exactly where I was the whole time……grinning at me from ear to ear giving me a big thumbs up (“I did it Dad!!!”).

I know it sounds cliche’ and cheesy but don’t underestimate the value of just being there. Kids just want to be noticed when they do something good. They need encouragement to continue on when they think they’re doing poorly.

As our kids grow older, will our kids choose us as parents to share their triumphs with? Will they give up on something too soon because we weren’t there to help them believe in themselves?

Some kids feel constant pressure to be the best on the court, track, or field. Kids that are playing to please somebody else are miserable.

But kids that look over their shoulder for support, encouragement, and direction…….and always find it, are something else entirely.

SECURE!

Whatever your kids are doing, just find a way to be there. They don’t need you to be there to tell them how they can do it better. They just need you to celebrate when they do it well (or give a a great effort, of course).

Keep Talkin Even When Nobody Seems To Hear

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Karrick Dyer

Some things are worth repeating, even when your audience doesn’t seem to care or understand.

Some messages don’t bring immediate results or even draw the attention of your listeners.

But concepts that are modeled and “preached” consistently still stand a chance of becoming a part of someone’s character.

Such is the case when coaching kids in youth sports.

At younger ages, the mom/dad/coach figure gets by with fumbling through teaching the rules of the game and basic fundamental skills.

As players get older, the pressure to win often creates an unhealthy mix between learning and winning (winning now!). Teaching of fundamentals, good work habits, team-building, and strong character often gets shoved into a corner while practices and instruction are centered on winning now and developing the next superstar.

Coaches at any age have the responsibility to help kids become their best…….at life. Work ethic, determination, a competitive spirit, accountability. They all come into play along the way. And somewhere along the way, coaches have to realize that the kids they’re leading aren’t going to be playing the game much longer.

I’ve been privileged to coach two of my kids in basketball through three years of middle school, most recently my son. As my son passed through his final middle school season, I became very aware of the future of him and his teammates. They weren’t all going to be high school basketball players, but they were all going to be high school students soon.

The talks before, during, and after practices and games began to take more of a tone of developing strong character and making good decisions. Most of these subjects were met with looks of “can we just start practice?” or kids not even listening as they put their shoes on to leave after a game.

A lesson I learned early in coaching was this: If at least one kid is listening, then I will keep saying what is important for them all to hear (but everybody else has to shut up for that one kid to hear).

The man who shared coaching duties with me also shared in leadership philosophies. So we kept preaching. And we may have bored some kids to death at times. But we harped on concepts that applied on and off the court.

-Make good decisions.

-Be a good teammate.

-Decide that nobody will outwork you in practice today.

-Don’t just settle for whatever falls in your lap. Work hard. Compete hard.

-Earn the respect of your coaches, opponents, and teammates.

-Success and improvement doesn’t come overnight. Do your best every day.

-If you don’t like where you’re at or how things are going, do something about it.

-The world doesn’t revolve around you, think of others.

-Never be a blamer or an excuse maker.

– Be a leader. Do things to make the people around you better.

My son and some of his teammates have moved on to the world of high school basketball now. I watch as a parent, and not a coach, for the first time since he was a 4th grader. But the “nervous parent locked in on his own kid” has left me.

I watch all my former players closely now, observing as both a coach and a parent. Cheering for small triumphs for each one. Seeing how hard they compete. Seeing how well they respond to coaching at the next level. Trying to get a gauge on how well we prepared them for the “nexts” in life.

At a recent JV game, I got an unexpected glimpse at a lesson learned……one of those lessons we were often selling and doubted anybody was buying.

A two-on-none fast break. Ballhandler approaches basket from the left. He has a teammate on the right side of the basket, about two steps behind him. Player with the ball hasn’t scored or even shot in this game (a big lead with minutes left). In fact, he has scored very few points on the season. But his open teammate on the right has just scored what may have been his first points of the season minutes earlier (with much celebration from the bench.

Instead of shooting a wide-open layup, he hesitates slightly and shovels the ball to his teammate for 2 more points. Another small eruption from the home bench and a good response from the crowd.

I watch in silence. It was my son that gave up the ball. I looked at my wife without speaking. He gets it. My reaction would have been the same for any of the kids that may have made the same play.

I’ve been more excited at sporting events for my kids. My daughter scored an unlikely acrobatic last minute goal to tie a regional semi-final soccer game……….and I may or may not have screamed like a madman and raced down the sidelines. My other daughter made a free-throw with no time on the clock to send a game to overtime in a huge upset win……..made greater because I could see that she was a nervous wreck after missing the first one.

But I’ve never been more proud of one of my kids in a sporting event than I was at that moment. “Son, people notice those things. It’s not a big deal if you take that shot, but it is a big deal that you didn’t. People will remember what you did. Those are the things that build teams and make them better.”

It’s not a big deal. But it is.

“Make good choices. Be a leader. Do things to make the people around you better.”

He listened. I know others did too.

Parents and coaches……keep preaching it. They may not seem to be listening. It may not help you win the next game. But it may show up when you least expect it.

We’re not really raising ballplayers……we’re raising winners.

If it’s worth repeating, keep repeating it.

Freaky Friday

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

The only thing ordinary about this particular Friday was that I showed up to work with my phone at 4% charged. Life with teenagers means that a charger is never in the same outlet twice. Car charger mysteriously gone also??

Upon arriving at work, I did have enough charge left to receive one call. A concerned Cintas sales rep who had recently fitted my work team with uniforms was the first to call with the bad news. He asked if I was aware that one of my trucks was in an accident on I-64.

My father and I rushed to the scene to find this.

Our driver, Jeff, had already been taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Jeff is a dependable, honest, Christian brother who has given over 17 years of devoted service to my family’s business. My first thoughts were simply of amazement and thanks to God that his injuries weren’t more severe.

It took only a couple of hours to clean up the scattered furniture and appliances that he was hauling, and load the pieces onto other trucks. As the last of my workers drove away with their loads of mangled merchandise, I remained behind to gather my thoughts.

I knew a logistical nightmare awaited me. People were waiting for me to give them some sort of plan of action to deal with a truckload of severely damaged furniture and a day’s worth of deliveries that needed to be re-scheduled. Maybe I could have have clearer thoughts on the roadside with emergency workers, rather than buried in the chaos of a retail business.

But the thoughts of logistics quckly faded, replaced by waves of emotions. A realization that a very good man that I had spent thousands of days working beside, had nearly lost his life. I was suddenly grateful for a newfound appreciation and respect I’d found for Jeff in recent months. And I eventually came around to my own failures in relationships with other co-workers as I wandered aimlessly around the accident site.

A few years back, Jeff had serious heart problems that required surgery. Upon returning to work, his level of production diminished somewhat due to loss of strength and endurance, along with breathing problems. But he continued to show up and do his job to the best of his ability. I valued him…….or so I thought.

This past summer, Jeff had his personal tools stolen from the back of a delivery truck in our parking lot overnight. When he inquired about the possibility of having the business replace his tools, I told him that I couldn’t take responsibility for what was left on our trucks. And I could tell that he wasn’t happy with my response.

But…….I did share the story with my older and wiser father, let him know that I’d probably hurt Jeff’s feelings. My dad didn’t say much at the time. But after giving it some thought, he left to find some new tools. Before the end of the day, Jeff had a new tool box, filled with more tools and better tools than he had before.

At the end of the day, when I said, “Dad picked you up some new tools”, his simple, sincere answer said so much:

“Yeah, that really meant a lot to me.”

I did value him (but only as far as my narrow heart and mind allowed), but it was worthless because I failed to show it.

I already said that Jeff showed up and gave his best every day. Since that day, the amazing thing is that his “best” is now at a much higher level than it was before. As my respect and admiration for him grows, I find myself searching harder for opportunities for him to use his many strengths, rather than being frustrated by a particular weakness.

Jeff and I talk more than we used to. Talk a lot about how everybody has strengths and weaknesses. Those conversations usually provide a good chance to reinforce my appreciation for the things Jeff does well. And perhaps more importantly, it gives me chance to work on my biggest weakness……finding ways to reveal to co-workers that they are valued as a person first….appreciated.

Because I always get it backwards. “Do your job well (all the time)…..then I will respect you. I won’t ride your tail when you screw up. But I won’t be your cheerleader either. I’m too busy making sure I’m outworking everybody else and holding things together. Forgive me if I don’t have time for chit-chat or group hugs. Just show up and do your damn job.” (I don’t really say this, but I’m guilty of living it).

But good leaders do find time to be cheerleaders. They need to lead with compassion. Every person that you work for, work beside, or that works for you…….is a person. Every person that works beside you has their own personal struggles that you may not be aware of or be able to understand.

Wandering on the side of the road that day, looking at the wreckage, I was reminded that our family business is made up of people that really are like family. And I realized that I have treated some in that family differently based on performance.

Performance levels will always be different. Love for family should not be.

I’m thankful today that Jeff is recovering. I’m thankful for the guiding presence of my earthly father.

And I’m thankful for “quiet times” on the roadside where I can see the guilt of my selfishness and impatience with others, and the need to replace these things with the God-honoring qualities of love and compassion.

“

The Good Coach

Posted on November 1, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

In most of life’s situations, it’s fairly easy to see what we SHOULD have done…….

after we’ve already messed up.

When it comes to the trial and error nature of parenting, we find plenty of situations where we don’t really figure out how the heck to do something……

until it’s no longer necessary to do it.

Such is the nature of coaching in youth sports.

Three short months ago, I watched my daughter drive away to college four hours away. I felt like the dad in the Subaru commercial talking to his little girl in the driver’s seat.

I choked back tears as I gave her simple parting instructions, knowing that I would no longer be a powerful daily influence in her life. What kind of influences would she have in her life in college?

Today her mother and I watched her final soccer game of the season. On a cold, rainy day in Circleville, Ohio, after a hard-fought loss we parted ways once again with her mother choking back tears this time.

Macy had a long bus ride back to Knoxville ahead for her. And we would have loved to have her home with us for the weekend. But these were tears of joy (mostly).

Macy and her coaches had stopped by our car to chat after the game. Smiles and laughter masked the exhaustion of a 90 minute game. A great player/coach relationship was easy to see. Mutual respect. Comfort, not fear.

They walked away in the cold rain. One of her coaches put his hand on her shoulder, just like dads do to their daughters after tough losses. My wife, through teary eyes, just said, “look, Karrick.”

I know who influences my daughter.

Macy loves her coaches. She loves her teammates. It’s plain to see. It’s a blessing that we’re so thankful for.

If you are a parent of a kid involved in youth sports, it doesn’t matter if they’re 7 or if they’re 17, don’t underestimate the value of having a coach that your child loves and respects. And don’t ignore the treasure of having a coach that treats your kids with love and respect.

Macy isn’t exactly a kid anymore and this is college soccer I’m talking about. But it’s an experience that is either going to be good or bad, depending on the direction of the leadership. They won 2 games and it was as enjoyable as any other “successful” winning seasons she’s had at other levels.

If you’re a coach, whether it’s your first try at pee wee soccer or your tenth year of middle school basketball, don’t forget why you’re there.

Coaches are there to lead, to influence kids. Winning is a by-product of leading the right way and teaching the right things.

Every team that you coach isn’t going to possess enough talent to win in a given season, but every team you coach is made up of kids that are going to be adults someday.

Win or lose, what are you teaching them along the way?

1) Plan practices well. Give clear instructions. Be consistent. Build credibility.

2) You are under a microscope. Do and say the right thing….always. Apologize when you’re wrong. Be a positive influence…..always.

3) Don’t “over-coach”. Make sure your spoken words have value to your players. If you talk too much, players quit listening.

4) Make sure your players know you care about them. If they think you don’t care about them, they quit listening.

5) Teach them the value of giving maximum effort, every practice, every game.

6) Look into the future. Be bold enough to make decisions based on building character and teaching fundamentals, work ethic, teambuilding, and accountability. See the bigger picture and don’t cave in to outside pressure to “win now”.

7) Keep all players engaged in practice at all times. All players should have equal opportunity for improvement in practice. What they choose to do with those opportunities may determine how many game minutes they get (depending on age and competition level). “If you don’t like where you’re at, do something about it.”

8) Motivate! Great coaches keep their players excited about playing. They encourage. Their players love and respect them. They don’t fear them. They want to do well for these coaches. Be intentional each day to catch your players doing something right and praise them for it. Tasks not done well are teaching moments, not shaming moments (see 9).

9) Mistakes happen. Kids can’t play in fear of their coach and they can’t play in fear of making mistakes. Not giving a maximum effort or listening to the coach is not a mistake, it’s a choice.

10) It’s ok to yell. It’s not ok to yell AT kids. Speak loud enough to get a team’s attention. Don’t scare the life out of them (especially younger ones). Never single out a kid and go Bobby Knight on them.

It’s nice to learn from your own past mistakes. It may be even better to learn from simply watching somebody else doing it right. Keep your eyes open.

I’ve coached plenty of games in the past, but I’m not presently coaching anything. If given the opportunity again, I’ll welcome the chance to LEAD more and coach less.

Don’t Forget to Play Video Games With the Kids…….Seriously

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

This was supposed to be a piece about lessons learned as a dad in the nine years that separated the births of my oldest daughter and my youngest son.

I had points to make about second chances to get things right. Opportunities I surely wouldn’t miss the second time around. Overreactions and blowups that wouldn’t repeat themselves.

One thing is certain. With older siblings aged 18, 16, and 15, I have become very comfortable in my role as a dad with 8 year-old Kal. I have relaxed more and simply enjoyed the moments of being his dad. There is peace that comes from experience as a parent and a maturing trust in God.

But a funny thing happened on my way to writing about lessons learned by a veteran dad. I learned another big lesson.

Kal accidentally let me know that he probably hasn’t enjoyed me as a dad as much as his brother and sisters have. Sure, my role as a father isn’t to just have fun and be the good guy all the time. The balance between rules and relationships is a delicate one that parents should not neglect maintaining.

But when parents try to maximize quality time and quantity time together with their kids in the middle of busy schedules, moments of simply enjoying one another’s company need to be actively sought.

What was my offense?

Simply forgetting history and failing to get a clear picture of the present.

Words innocently spoken by my son, “Dad you remember that ONE time you played Wii U with me? That was really fun”. Not too bad on the surface, but underneath it smells really bad.

Today’s kids prefer apps on Ipods over console games. Why is this even important?

Because I spent enormous amounts of what would be classified as “quantity time” with my three older kids when they were ages 5-12 just goofing off playing Nintendo64, Gamecube, and Wii.

TOGETHER, we conquered Zelda, Lego Star Wars (3 editions), Mario, Smash Brothers, and Animal Crossing. And yes, there were countless hours spent hammering out music TOGETHER on 5 versions of Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Looking back, what I thought was quantity time turned out to be time of the highest quality with my kids. Times when our worlds came together easily. Those moments aren’t easy to come by as they get older.

Just to set the record straight, I despise having kids stay in a room alone to play video games or playing inside instead of outside.

Be aware of too many precious hours spent “doing your thing” while your kids are doing theirs. And be aware of taking the easy way out as a parent simply because older siblings “occupy” younger siblings time so well at times.

We only have so many days and so many hours to influence our children and the direction their lives take. We must be in their presence, in both mind and body, to have a meaningful impact.

Realize that times change. Parents spend too much time with a laptop or cellphone in their line of vision. Kids spend too much time occupying themselves with Ipods and Ipads.

Get your kids in your line of vision. And look at the same things they’re looking at.

I just need to convince Kal that I actually can play games with him. Apparently he’d made some efforts for me to join him and was left with the impression that I was an incompetent gamer. I guess I told him to ask his brother to be his partner or for answers way too many times.

I spent too much time trying to come up with BIG quality time adventures that he wasn’t interested in.

Kal just wanted to play WiiU with his dad. Those were great times for him. He told me so.

Bring your worlds together while you can.

Time together IS quality time.

The Danger of Leading From the Rear

Posted on September 16, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

I’ve always been a “lead from the rear” kind of guy.

A firm believer in letting my kids, basketball players, or co-workers learn from their own missed steps off the beaten path.

I don’t have to choose every step for them. I just have to watch from the rear and make sure they’re safe.

But there’s a big difference in the ones that are simply safe and the ones that are scared or hurting…..those needing guidance or encouragement. I suppose I’ve missed a lot of those opportunities by watching over the whole flock without looking closely at individual faces.

Some lessons take a while to sink in. I learned this one while helping with my church’s VBS this past summer.

I had the easiest volunteer job available (crew leader 4th & 5th graders). This is the age where kids are on the borderline of being too old and cool to attend VBS. My job was simply to follow them around to various craft, snack, story, and worship stations/activities and keep them safe (or just inside the church building)……a shepherd of sorts.

On the first night, my group went from opening worship time into the craft room with me “leading from the rear”, just counting heads. I looked casually around the room during crafts to make sure nobody needed help. It seemed that kids ranging from 2nd to 5th grade were placed together for this activity. My own 2nd grade son was in the room, so I mostly walked around the room fist-bumping kids I knew, small-talking with other adults, and giving little notice to the kids I didn’t know.

Something was different on the 2nd night as we entered the craft room and the kids began working on a slightly more challenging project, a bead bracelet.

Before I ever started surveying the room for kids that might be having difficulty with their project, the voice of a single child caught my attention.

My eyes followed the sound of a voice that seemed a bit deep for a 4th or 5th grader. I spotted a boy whose body matched his voice. He was just a bit larger in size than the other kids in his age group and he was seated at a table next to my 2nd grade son Kal.

His loud conversations with Kal told me that he was probably more comfortable talking to Kal than with the kids his age.

I continued to watch and listen as they began their bracelet project. There was something heartwarming and special in the way this boy interacted with my much younger son…..a kindness and innocence that usually disappears by the time boys reach the age of entering middle school.

I could see that he was having trouble threading his beads onto the string bracelet.

So I just pulled up a chair.

The boy’s name was Gabe. I helped him string his beads and finish his bracelet. And we talked. Gabe was starting middle school in a few weeks. He seemed very nervous about it. I assured him that I had three kids who had recently finished at the school he was starting and that they all loved it there. I told him I had coached basketball there and I knew the teachers there were great. But I doubted that I eased his fears.

As my group of kids (14 of them) filed up the church stairs for our closing worship session in the auditorium, I trailed behind them once again. The first kids through the door sparked and enthusiastic question (a joke of a question because of my reserved personality with kids) from my pastor’s wife,

“Who thinks they have the greatest crew leader here tonight?”

Silence……except for Gabe. He shyly raised his hand. And quietly said, “I do.”

I understand now that my actions that night had little impact on his life.

But this special young man found a place in my heart and perhaps served a great purpose in my life.

To follow Jesus means that we are willing to make changes to our sinful, selfish self in order to be more like our Savior.

Jesus was a shepherd. But I’m pretty certain now, because of Gabe, that Jesus was most definitely a “pull up a chair” kind of guy.

Jesus found the person in the crowd that needed Him most, and met them where they were.

If you’re only looking at the crowd as a whole, you’ll never notice that person that needs you most. The one that may truly need your love, kindness, encouragement, gratitude, or prayers.

Leading from the rear has its value. But just being safe isn’t enough.

You can’t tell who needs you if you aren’t willing to look at the faces you’re leading.

I pray that middle school is kind to Gabe. I’m certain that there are people there who will “pull up a chair” if he needs it.

And I’m certain that I’m thankful for lessons learned in my short time with this special young man.

Just Buy the Paint

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

“Raising Strong Daughters”,

That was going to be the name of this post.
But the thoughts and reflections have spun out of control.
What started out as four or five little points grows daily (over ten now).
I guess it’s not a coincidence that my oldest daughter turns 18 and leaves for college tomorrow.
It wouldn’t be correct to say that my life is flashing before my eyes.
But I do find myself drifting back to the day she was born (and all points in between). That wild combination of joy and fear. The realization that I was now responsible for the direction of the life of another person. A new awareness of dependence on God.
Eighteen years later……..I wouldn’t enter her in a dishwasher loading contest.
And she struggles with the concept of turning out lights in unoccupied rooms.
But for all those times I uttered that prayer,
“Lord, help their mother and me raise these children in a way that’s pleasing to You”,

I am beginning to see more clearly now the results of so many answered prayers.

Sure, there were so many times when I failed, as a dad, to listen for God’s answers, commands, and guidance. Thankfully, as I have written before…”it takes a village”, (and she has a pretty awesome mom)

As she leaves home, I know she loves and trusts God.

She is strong. I do not doubt her ability to make decisions.

When she was small, I never thought this day could be this way, but I am filled with peace and assurance because of the strength of her heart and character.

The moments continue flash through my mind. What did we do right as parents? What should we have done differently? How did we get here? And do I possess knowledge and experiences that have value to “younger” parents?

Hopefully I can share some insight that can help other dads (and moms?) with this and subsequent posts on the subject.

Just buy the paint.

I believe it was the summer after Macy’s freshman year of high school. She told me she wanted to paint a mural in her bedroom. Not just on a wall, on all four walls. I doubted her. My initial reaction, that I kept to myself, was that she would make a mess of the walls and be frustrated and disappointed with the result.

But when our kids believe they can do something, parents need to make it a priority to never tell them that they can’t.

“Daddy, can you just get me four sample-sized cans of paint in these four colors?”

I bought the paint.

The finished mural was “good”. What was “great” was that she believed she could do it, and her belief led to action.

I bragged on her work and showed it off to visitors in our home.

Her artistic talents have progressed since then, and I am pretty amazed by the work she does now..

But I didn’t really do anything good as a parent. I simply failed to do something really bad. What if I had told her she couldn’t do it…..suppressed her creativity, her dream? And worst of all, what if the message she heard from her dad was, “No, you can’t do that!”

Sometimes dads can be a great influence simply by recognizing mistakes before we make them.

When the opportunity arises, just buy the paint. Don’t screw it up. Look for AND create chances for her to create, figure things out on her own, and believe she can do anything. Be your daughter’s biggest cheerleader. And don’t ever tell her she can’t.

How Will I Laugh Tomorrow…..When I Can’t Even Smile Today?

Posted on August 15, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

If we fail to choose a destination, we most likely will end up in a place that we didn’t choose to be.

Punk/thrash band Suicidal Tendencies covers this concept pretty well in their 1988 song “How Will I Laugh Tomorrow…” the next line is “when I can’t even smile today.

Day after day, we live moment to moment, with no vision or planning for the future. No intention in our actions, no direction. Just getting by. Our mental state and our next action are dictated by the circumstances that we find ourselves digging out of, instead of our planning and intentions.

“The clock keeps ticking, but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think about all the times that I’ve had
Some were good most were bad”

How did I reach this point?

Maybe a better question would be, “how did I expect to wind up anywhere else?”

When my sons do something brainless and get a horrible result, my reaction is often, “Son! What did you think was gonna happen?”

They didn’t think far enough ahead (or they didn’t think at all). Their vision only reached the next 2 seconds and five feet ahead.

Extend this decision making process into adulthood.

Everyone has heard, “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

Eventually, our days are filled with do overs and damage control.

We can’t concern ourselves with saving money when we’re stressing over scraping up enough to pay this months bills.

We don’t worry about where our kids will be at 18 when we are constantly at the end or our rope with a couple of toddlers.

We don’t worry about running a 5k race when we’re ready to pass out from climbing a flight of stairs.

We can’t make plans for a better career path, when we’re struggling to hang on to the job we have.

We ruin new relationships because our current relationships are such a mess that we stay in a terrible state of mind.

Try to give a youth basketball player advice on shooting mechanics. Even if you’ve witnessed 15 straight misses and just want to offer a minor adjustment to their technique, the answer is always the same………”it just doesn’t feel right”. Translation=I’m comfortable doing it the wrong way and I’m not gonna change.

We are all guilty of this; only willing to make changes and adjustments in cases where we see instant results, improvement, or gratification.

We only concern ourselves with making that “next shot”. Five years from now, we still can’t shoot. We lose our love for the game, doubt our value to the team, and basketball becomes a miserable experience.

How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can’t even smile today?

Make a choice to laugh tomorrow. But making changes today doesn’t always mean that the laughter comes today. Stay the course. Change the future.

Make plans.

Make changes, even if you don’t see immediate results.

Obviously, we aren’t guaranteed of tomorrow. But we don’t have to find ourselves in a mess when it does come …..because we ignore it today and fail to prepare for it.

Don’t settle for being comfortable doing things the wrong way. Don’t be afraid to tackle difficult changes with an eye on the future.

Just A Dad

"Hindsight is always 20/20. Lookin back, it's still a bit fuzzy." Dave Mustaine

Tag Archives: Encouragement