Sweat the Small Stuff

Posted on May 28, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

I like to keep things simple. Choose spoken words carefully, avoiding those with no value and speaking only when there is a least some chance that someone is remotely interested in what I have to say. The flip side of this is that I often make the universal sign for “blah blah blah” when someone else is talking too much. I’m judgemental. People spew more words than I want to listen to. And at least once a day, I accuse someone of “making something a lot more complicated than it needs to be.”

Maybe we have a lot of churches that are treading water by doing both of these things at the same time:

1) Making it too simple. “Invite people to church.” “Tell people about Jesus.”

2) Making things a lot more complicated than they need to be. See the two directives in #1. People freak out about their shortcomings and get stopped in their tracks because they can’t see themselves doing “the big stuff” that churchy people speak of. Then think about your own inadequacies, lack of bible knowledge, shyness, less than stellar reputation from a previous life, etc. It becomes overwhelming, hopeless……especially for new believers. BIG STEPS SEEMS TOO HARD AND PATHS FOR SMALL STEPS AREN’T LAID OUT CLEARLY ENOUGH.

Obviously, it’s a difficult matter to balance, but maybe we could be more effective in the true mission of our churches simply by teaching our members to be more like Jesus? (sounds so easy, right?) But I guess poor disciples can’t effectively spread Christianity.

I know I come back to this verse time after time:

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

But it seems that new and long-time believers alike miss out on the life that God desires for them because we fail to embrace the concept of daily growth/change/surrender.

We know big changes are needed and fail to seek God’s guidance through the patience of making small changes over time.

It seems hopeless.

We can’t see the end, so we don’t even take the first step. We fail to trust.

Face each day with a willingness to change for God.

Or perhaps worse, we fail to acknowledge the need to change.

We coast, living under the impression that we’re doing ok.

We settle for mediocrity, living only by our own strength and not by faith.

I guess I should really circle to a point since I claim to be a man of few words.

If you are a Christian of one week or 50 years, you have spent periods trying to figure out what the heck your spiritual gift is.

You may be like me and spend years believing you have none. You can’t do anything BIG, so you do nothing at all?

In Matthew 28:19 Jesus says to make disciples of all nations. Sounds like a pretty tall order on the surface.

Now go back to Romans 12:2.

The great commission starts in our mind with our commitment study God’s word, to seek his will daily, to become more like Jesus each day. If we are to tell the world about Jesus, our co-workers, friends and neighbors have to see us living like Jesus.

We have to become credible messengers.

My spiritual gift….and yours…..is small victories.

Daily growth, closer to God. Understanding His word and His will more each day.

Loving others, forgiving, serving, putting others before self.

Modeling honesty, kindness, compassion, integrity, strong work ethic.

Placing value on every relationship and every encounter with every person every day.

I guess it was in the 90’s that the “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” books were popular.

I think the concept was not stressing or freaking out about small stuff (good idea).

I can’t see myself hitting many homeruns in my Christian walk.

But consider the value of the opportunities that “small stuff” present each day.

When we tackle the small stuff God’s way, time after time, day after day……….that small stuff becomes an absolute jackpot.

Others may actually want to follow who you follow.

Others may place value on your spoken words.

Seek God’s guidance each day to make the small stuff count.

My Brother’s Keeper

Posted on May 5, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

“Mom, Dad never has time to do stuff with me any more”.

Pretty sobering words relayed to me by my wife from my 8 year old son. I responded in typical male fashion- defense mode, “I know, but I just can’t help it right now. There’s nothing I can do about it”.

John 10:10

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁰The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Life to the full. What’s that supposed to look like for a follower of Christ? Eternity is a long time. Point our eyes toward heaven and do something while we are here and do it well. We’re not on this earth long enough to sit still or to wallow in mediocrity.

I can’t offer the perfect formula for balance in life. Like a training athlete, we have to be willing to push ourselves and to be pushed. We can take on such an overwhelming load that God’s presence and strength obviously carries us through, and our faith grows. Or we can fly around wildly, over-promising ourselves and under-including God and littering our world with a whole lotta C- efforts…..just getting by. Maybe this is the way that many of us truly develep our trust in God, by failing and seeing more clearly our dependence on Him. It’s the logical next step that comes after “I’m about to have a complete beakdown. I can’t handle this”. Either way, we learn of the importance of seeking His will and His strength and trusting Him more each step along the way.

Life to the full. Wife and four kids. Demanding job managing a family business. Involved in church leadership and teaching Sunday school. Coaching middle school basketball and Upward basketball. Two daughters in high school track, cross-country, and soccer. Doing laundry at 2am to make sure everybody has clean uniforms and underwear for the next day. Certainly not taking advantage of all my opportunities but certainly not sitting still.

BOOM! A lifetime of suffering with migraine headaches is taken away. My basketball coaching load is taken away. I have TIME. I have prolonged clarity of thought for the first time in my life. Clarity told me that I’ve been working 40 hours a week at a 65 hour a week job for the last 15 years in an effort to raise children that make a difference in this world (definitely not something I regret, but something that has left a stinky trail of mediocrity in its path). So I’m not only tackling today’s problems with energy and focus, I’m backtracking and fixing yesterday’s problems, and preventing tomorrow’s problems. Sure, now is the best time to do this. It’s ok to work 60-65 hour weeks NOW.

“Dad never has time to do stuff with me now”

“There’s nothing I can do about it”

TRUTH. When we are where God wants us to be, doing the things that He desires for us to do, He provides a way. Satan provides excuses and we can’t wait to grab them and use them. Most likely, the responsible thing for me to do in the short-term is to continue to work extended hours while I have the focus and energy to fix the results of my years of neglect. But as far as finding time to do things with my youngest son, I can do something about it besides make excuses. Claiming to be “tired” in the evenings is not an option. Plan something and do it. And don’t pawn off “dad duties” on mom or big brother.

And that brings me to the greatest point in this long and winding story. When we are faithful (and apparently even when we are just somewhat faithful but willing to admit our failure) God provides a way. When you are living for God, and there just doesn’t seem to be enough of you to go around as a dad (or a mom), He provides a way to fill in the gaps. Special people……grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, youth ministers are there to provide that special something. When that little voice in your head says, “I can’t do it all”, don’t give up. Do your best and trust Him with the rest. Obviously I can try harder as a parent, but I can see clearly now how God has filled in the gaps with an awesome mom and older brother.

My 3 great lessons for the week:

1) It’s not acceptable to make excuses for not having or making time for our kids. Plan it. Do it.

2) Where I have shortcomings as a father, I am so thankful these shortcomings seem to be perfectly offset and overcome by the strengths of my wife. In the case Kal, our 8 year-old son, I’m thankful the God gave him the best mom in the world to do the exact things that I have failed to do (like teach him to ride a bike).

3) Kal is truly blessed to have a big brother that takes care of him when the responsibilities of life call mom and dad in other directions. Saturday, it was truly like seeing up close, the hand of God at work, as Kal’s 14 year-old brother selflessly devoted his entire day (and night) to playing with, entertaining, teaching, and patiently listening to his little brother. He takes care of his little brother, not because he’s been instructed to but because he wants to. That’s not a normal teenage boy thing. That’s a “what God’s love looks like” thing. And it’s pretty cool to see when you aren’t really expecting it.

I can’t do it all. But I don’t have to. But I still have to try. And I have to trust. And mediocrity is not acceptable.

Baby Please Don’t Go…..To the D-League

Posted on April 10, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

If you get annoyed at the basketball insight of Jimmy Dykes, you might want to stop reading here.

If you fail to agree with at least 90% of Charles Barkley’s profound basketball wisdom, you may want to unfollow me on Twitter.

And if you are in danger of using a sick day at work if John Calipari leaves the University of Kentucky for the NBA, go ahead and unfriend me on Facebook.

Random insights about “one and dones” and things driven into the ground in and around UK basketball.

-There is a difference between being drafted and being an NBA player. Check out these impact players from the 2011 draft:

1	Cleveland	Kyrie Irving (PG) Duke
2	Minnesota	Derrick Williams (PF) Arizona
3	Utah	Enes Kanter (C) Turkey
4	Cleveland	Tristan Thompson (PF) Texas
5	Toronto	Jonas Valanciunas (C) Lithuania
6	Washington	Jan Vesely (SF)
7	Sacramento	Bismack Biyombo (PF) Spain
8	Detroit	Brandon Knight (PG) Kentucky
9	Charlotte	Kemba Walker (PG) UConn
10	Milwaukee	Jimmer Fredette (PG) BYU
11	Golden State	Klay Thompson (SG) Wash St
12	Utah	Alec Burks (SG) Colorado
13	Phoenix	Markieff Morris (PF) Kansas
14	Houston	Marcus Morris (PF) Kansas
15	Indiana	Kawhi Leonard (SF) SDSU
16	Philadelphia	Nikola Vucevic (C) USC
17	New York	Iman Shumpert (PG) Ga Tech
18	Washington	Chris Singleton (SF) Florida St
19	Charlotte	Tobias Harris (PF) Tennessee
20	Minnesota	Donatas Motiejunas (PF) Lithuania
21	Portland	Nolan Smith (SG) Duke
22	Denver	Kenneth Faried (PF) Morehead St
23	Houston	Nikola Mirotic (SF) Serbia
24	OK City	Reggie Jackson (PG) BC
25	Boston	Marshon Brooks (SG) Providence
26	Dallas	Jordan Hamilton (SF) Texas
27	New Jersey	JaJuan Johnson (PF) Purdue
28	Chicago	Norris Cole (PG) Clev St
29	San Antonio	Cory Joseph (PG) Texas
30	Chicago	Jimmy Butler (SF) Marquette

An odd mixture of D-Leaguers, role players, busts, a few starters, and one all-star.

As Charles Barkley pointed out during an NCAA tournament broadcast, the quality of play and players in the NBA has reached an all-time low, thanks to early draft entrants. My question is this: at what point did it become a good decision for players to enter the draft simply because they could be drafted? Sixty players are drafted each year. For those 60 to find work in the NBA, a total of 60 guys have to either retire or have their jobs taken from them. Barkley also pointed out that the NBA is a league of grown men. As I was reminded so many times during the course of this season, as I watched UK’s freshmen players fail to make fundamental basketball plays that I would expect freshmen in high school to make, ……..”They’re just boys. They were in high school at this time last year.” EXACTLY

And they’re gonna take the jobs away from grown men who aren’t ready to give up their jobs?

For every true one and done like John Wall there is a drafted and struggling Marquis Teague. The statistical success of Demarcus Cousins is quietly matched by the up and down D-league struggles of Daniel Orton (who isn’t under NBA contract- D-league salaries top out at $25,800) . Terence Jones and Eric Bledsoe could have benefited from another year of college, but they have now blossomed as pros. Liggins, Lamb, and Goodwin continue to bounce among teams and stints in the D-league. Lamb would have been a senior this year. Would this have made him a better NBA prospect? It would be nice to find out. What kind of advice do these “kids” get from their coaches? Is there a draft day ego factor that plays into the equation (getting kids drafted carries almost as much value as winning championships and LONG TERM outlook for players’ futures)? Sometimes it appears the Calipari’s philosophy is “send em on, boost our draft numbers for bragging/ego/recruiting, reload, and overestimate my ability to coach up the next bunch.” Honestly, whose job in the NBA did he think Marquis Teague was going to take? You couldn’t name a second string point guard that he could beat out for a job……….but teams draft on potential, so he’s gone.

What’s alarming to me about this year’s group of UK freshmen that may enter the draft is the fact that some of them are still fairly clueless in some fairly important areas of basketball. The sad evolution of basketball, especially as it pertains to elite players=as long as you can do certain things to help your team win the game (put the ball in the basket), you will be permitted to bypass 1) the learning of fundamentals 2) playing and understanding man to man defense, and 3) living, practicing and playing by the same rules as your teammates. It starts in youth leagues where coaches skip over teaching basic skills for the sake of winning and it snowballs from there. I felt pity on Calipari this season as I observed how poorly his players’ previous coaches seemed to have prepared them for college basketball. And then, by season’s end, it became apparent that he subscribes to the same coaching philosophy. 5-star freshmen have the luxury of a “learn at your own pace” system (for games anyway). Other players get the “one mistake and you’re out” system. The players’ pace of learning earned them 10 losses. This was one of the most talented teams ever assembled. They were a couple of losses away from the NIT and people talking about what a terrible coach Calipari is. If the season was 10 more games long, they would have been destroying everybody. As it was, the season was saved and they had an amazing run to the finals thanks to some last minute heroics. Analysts babbled about what a great job Calipari did with his team. But how does the season rate if those shots don’t go in? Failure? Underachievers? Probably. Yes, it was great coaching from the SEC tournament on. What about the rest of the season? Some players can make any coach look good (see Seton Hall 89) and some can make any coach look bad.

But why wait to fix the obvious stuff? Afraid to hurt somebody’s feelings? Inmates running the asylum? Maybe just a little more accountability from day one. Accountability says that you don’t have the same kids on the floor making the same mental errors in game #25 as you had in game #1. It’s that simple. It didn’t happen. Maybe too many of the games are conducted like they are a recruiting poster. Coach the games today. This season, we sort of ran out of games and todays and chances to get better (and those are pretty vital when you set everything up to play with all freshmen). Maybe that was part of the tweak. Maybe that’s why Hawkins finally found his way back into the rotation. He would play defense when others would not. Calipari actually yanked a starter (Young) in the NCAA tournament for not playing defense. To my knowledge, he hadn’t done this all season (but I did quit watching for a period). Why not do it in the first game of the season? Kinda late to learn now.

That brings me to my final point. Kids not being ready for the NBA. The thing these kids need to consider before entering the draft is this: they’re actually going to have to guard real live NBA players. James Young is projected as a possible lottery pick. James Young fouled out against Louisville trying to guard Luke Hancock, a guy that’s 2 steps slower than him. He fouled him five times, not because he got caught off his feet or tried to block a shot, but just because Hancock put down one dribble and took one step. Young somehow still doesn’t know how to position his feet or his body to take away the first step dribble. Really? Does the NBA have guys that are teaching 5th grade fundamentals in practice now. I bet the D-league has some real defensive gurus. Is Calipari telling him he is “ready” to guard Durant? Amazing talent. Ready for the NBA? No.

Julius Randle. Another amazing physical talent. Struggles terribly with court awareness, reading situations and making the right play, where to send the ball, when to get rid of the ball, when to shoot the ball……..basically does the same thing no matter where the defense is. Sure, he has a bright future ahead, but his future next year might be that he’s gonna have a hard time taking anybody’s job. But at least he’ll have a job and get paid. A guy like him could possibly double his contract with another year of college experience to develop. Hard to develop your skills from the end of a bench.

So where does that leave UK next year? Of course, most of it depends on who stays and who goes. But a lot of it may depend on how much the freshmen know when they get here and what their “pace” is in the “learn at your own pace” system that is designed to draw in the next group of 5-stars.

Strange tidbits. Championship game was Kal’s first ever UK game. My daughter Macy is 17 and was a toddler at the 98 finals win in San Antonio. She was a baby at the 97 loss vs Arizona in Indianapolis (so she is banned for life for reading a book and being a jinx) so this will be her last UK game.

Big Blue Nation- Some Things You Learn the Hard Way

Posted on March 5, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

“Shoot yeah, man! We’re just gonna reload and compete for the Final Four pretty much every year”

Yes, I celebrated a championship in 1996. Never liked Pitino. Just tolerated him while he was here.

Yes, I celebrated in 2012. Calipari is ok. He seems to be a little kinder to people .

I still think John Calipari was a great hire.

Of course I celebrated in 1998. Tubby was my guy. Integrity. None of that northern arrogance. A gentleman.

If you don’t like Tubby as a person, you may not like people.

If you loved Pitino when he was here but hate him now, then you will probably hate Calipari when he leaves too, like he left you at the altar.

But I kept a list of all the people who used the phrase “10-loss Tubby”.

I love coaches who can take their guys and beat your guys and don’t have to have supreme talent to win; winning ugly is acceptable.

I never bothered to learn how to spell Bill G’s last name. I remember that there were people actually celebrating like it was actually a good thing that we’d fired Tubby and hired him. Some things you learn the hard way.

Calipari’s potential 40-0 team quickly approaches becoming his 2nd consecutive 10-loss team (“Tubby has to go. He just can’t recruit.) Some things you learn the hard way.

My dad took my brother and me to our first UK game the first year Rupp Arena opened. I remember actually saying a prayer as I listened on the radio when we trailed Providence in the NIT semifinals in 1976 (and of course the prayer was answered and we won). I remember crazy details of the 78′ championship game as a 10 year-old boy. Never missed a game as a student at UK, even Eddie Sutton’s last miserable year. Saw adults cry after the 92′ Duke loss. Scraped my knuckles on the ceiling during the 94′ LSU comeback. Drove 15 hours with a pregnant wife to watch a regional final vs Tim Duncan’s Wake Forest team in 96′ in Minnesota. Took an infant to the Final Four in 97. Drove 22 hours with a toddler to San Antonio for the Final Four in 98. Made it back to the Final Four with my son in 2011 in Houston and to the regional semifinals and finals in Atlanta with my son in 2012. I bleed blue. I take UK basketball kinda serious.

But this year, the craziest thing happened on the way to 40-0. I quit watching. No heart. Lack of effort. No fundamentals. Mistakes that you’d expect freshmen in high school to get benched for, are repeated over and over and over, and the same kids stay on the floor giving the same lame effort. Accountability? Will to win? Nope. Laziest, most selfish team ever? Definitely.

Gee, I could park myself in front of the tv and watch bad teams compete hard and play with a sense of pride and lose night after night. But I just couldn’t watch that crap any more. Thirty years. The worst.

All the irritating things that I have heard in recent years begin to sound so lame and based on wishful thinking. Most of it can be filed under the category of “the same basic cloud of salesmanship that coach Cal spews 24/7/365 toward 18 year-old kids”. People actually believe that we can fill our roster with high school kids and win a national championship even though it’s never been done before. It hasn’t. Don’t try to revise history on me. And it’s not going to happen. This year’s group of so-called super freshman have no clue how to play basketball. I’d go as far as saying that anyone who coached them in middle school or high school should be tarred and feathered. Calipari falls into that same category. “Oh, it doesn’t matter if ____declares for the draft, we’ve got ____ coming in next year” (and he looks awesome on this mix tape that I watched on YouTube dunking against 5’10” guys)

Too much of this season is spent as a recruiting poster for next season. The message is clear from Big Blue Madness on.

1) “We are a players first school” FALSE. That only applies if you are Anthony Davis or John Wall (then you are his recruiting pitch). If you are Kyle Wiltjer or Ryan Harrow, you transfer because you may not have a scholarship. If you’re Archie Goodwin or Marquis Teague you quietly walk away to the D-League. If you are Jarrod Polson or Jon Hood you live like a 2nd class citizen while the 5-star guys get 40 minutes a game while giving horrible effort and embarrassing the Kentucky uniform.

2) It’s all about the NBA. All Calipari wants to talk about is how many players are in the league and this is the place to come if you want to get there. Constantly parading former players around to impress the recruits. Sure, it’s effective. Perhaps it’s shallow and perhaps we have a shallow pool of players? It’s certainly a shallow pool of basketball IQ, heart, will to win, and any resemblance of unity.

3) Instant gratification. This is the killer.

If the coach wants to develop players, he needs to shut up about one and done. He needs to shut up about the draft.

Kids are showing up that don’t know how to play. They don’t need to show up on campus with intentions of staying only one year. They need to have intentions of learning the game of basketball. And here’s a novel idea that this year’s group seems to have missed out on their entire life: they might need to set out to do all the things necessary to help their team win basketball games. That brings us to the final point.

4) Me. It’s all about me. The “One and Done” world has evolved a bit over recent years as this generation of players has passed through middle school and high school with the “elite” label, having the disadvantage of seeing the instant success of too many Derrick Rose types while their AAU & high school coaches have failed them with accountability and fundamentals…….and at the same time, college coaches are telling them they can be the next Lebron or D Rose.

5) Me #2 is Cal’s ego. He gets a little too caught up in draft numbers and NBA players and forgets about WINS in the ongoing system of the sales pitch production that UK basketball has become. Coach has to kill the draft talk and get into some Vince Lombardi type stuff. Nobody really cares about the NBA, especially UK fans. Besides, he’s in danger of absolutely flooding the D-leaugue and Euro-leagues. Cal owes it to his players to give them better and firmer life advice than to let them enter the draft when he knows they’re not going to get a sniff of an NBA roster, not to make his next year’s roster better but because he is in a position to give them advice that can have a huge impact on their financial future (Goodwin and Teague? Really? just another notch on his draft belt and get them out of the way for the next crop? A chance for an actual nba career after 4 years of college? probably) Selfish fans blindly drink it up and those players begin to fade into obscurity. Who sees it coming and is in a good position to steer them away from it?

This picture is what college basketball is really about. A man of integrity that can flat out coach. And a player that did everything he could to help his team win……for 4 years. I’m sick of the year-round production. I’m not 18 and I get tired of propaganda geared toward the next crop of recruits. I get tired of seeing kids on the floor wearing UK uniforms that act like they should be playing for Louisville. Some players can make any coach look bad. You can’t teach a kid to play with heart. Cal better start recruiting some kids that have it. He might even want to take Chuck Hayes with him to help him identify what it looks like. Some things you learn the hard way.

Just To Spite the Seinfelds

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, both Jerry and George’s parents are considering moving to a Florida to the retirement community of Del Boca Vista. Frank Costanza gets the impression that the Seinfelds don’t want them to live there.

“You think you can keep us out of Del Boca Vista…we’re moving in lock stock and barrel. We’re gonna be in the pool, we’re gonna be in the clubhouse, we’re gonna be all over that shuffleboard court…AND I DARE YOU TO KEEP ME OUT!!!”

Just to spite the Seinfelds? And he yells in reply, “JUST TO SPITE THE SEINFELDS!”

Do you ever find yourself reaching that point (or living for years at that point) where you’re constantly puzzled by finding the truth of being where God truly wants you to be and doing the things that He wants you to do? Feeling like perhaps you’re doing the right things but doing them poorly? Thoughts of scaling back and simplifying your life creep in or sometimes come over you like an avalanche. Tired of making excuses and wallowing in mediocrity. “MAN, I SUCK AT______.” God desires excellence and I give him excuses and half-done………everything.

I recently told my middle school basketball players that this would be one of the most important quotes/lessons they would every hear from me:

“Your confidence on the court cannot be based on your performance or your ability level. Your confidence must come from your level of effort and determination. When this happens, there is no failure.”

Practice what you preach, coach. Performance, results, people-pleasing, excess of self-reliance or self-confidence………they all cloud our vision of simply doing what is right by God’s standards. Obedience rarely equals comfort and popularity. In a life of Christian faith, I suppose we could substitute the word “peace” for “confidence”. A peace that comes from maintaining a high standard of effort toward pleasing and obeying God.

What God desires for us to do, he also equips us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

¹⁰For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

He desires excellence in all things from His children. Discouragement, stress, overload, fear of failure……these are lies of Satan.

Don’t scale back. Don’t retreat. Know that you are where God wants you to be. Stay there. Try harder. Trust more,

JUST TO SPITE THE DEVIL (but truthfully, just to please our Heavenly Father).

DETERMINATION= “I am gonna do this.” + FAITH= “My strength is not enough, but my Lord will become greater in my weakness.” EQUALS…….Satan loses every time

What the ______ Are You Looking At?

Posted on January 10, 2014 by Karrick Dyer

Does God really expect me to like this guy? Love, yes. Like? Now that’s a different story.

This is not a tale of deep, well-crafted theological points. Nope. This is just a short story of male ego and pride rearing its ugly head in the interesting world of coaching middle school basketball.

Strike one comes when a coach pre-determines that the opposing coach is a jerk.

Strike two comes when a coach shows up at the gym pre-battle-worn from a day at work and thinks out loud that he just might snap on somebody. Strike three comes easily enough when an opposing player swings a violent elbow over the top of one of your player’s heads (coming nowhere close to connecting).

And here is where this tale becomes a story of my own shame……because people who do the right thing all the time are boring and provide so few learning and teaching moments.

Allow me to backtrack to my days of youth before my lovely wife and I were married (and also in our early years of marriage), when I was perhaps a little more hot-tempered and foul-mouthed. Countless times, some guy would gawk at Kristy, and my automatic male ego response was “what the ___ are you looking at?” Not sure when or why I finally stopped doing it. Perhaps a mild dose of maturity and a gradual disappearance of silly male pride/ego. Or maybe I just realized that if I wasn’t already married to her, I would probably gawk too…..well, maybe not gawk, just a respectful glance maybe? Anyway, my great phrase has always earned and eye-roll of reprimand from her, as far back as the mid-80’s.

Back to tonight’s story. Opposing player swings an elbow at my player. Frustrating game up to this point, so I’m way out of coach’s box, beyond halfcourt protesting to the refs about the violent nature of the elbow (would have been reviewed at “the monitor” in an NCAA game). And since I’m now 10 feet from the opponent’s bench, I can’t help noticing an assistant coach sitting on the end of the bench looking up at me with this awful smirk on his face. A taunting look that gave me the impression that he was ready to stick out his tongue and say “scoreboard”. And this wasn’t just any coach. This was a coach that I disliked nearly 30 years ago as a player when he was a high school coach.

So what is my classic response? Yeah, I’m a Christian. I understand that I’m a role model for kids. I understand that I set the tone even for the parents and the fans. When I lose my cool, many others are sure to follow suit. Does wisdom and calm take over and lead me quietly back to my bench at this point? Nope. I take another two steps toward him and yell loudly, in the most challenging tone, “What are you looking at?”. The profanity may be absent but the message is just as moronic. Yeah, good one, I know. Almost as good as the next couple of barbs that flew back and forth between us. I don’t think any of the players witnessed the exchange. Not sure if parents and fans caught onto what was taking place. Oddly enough, my dear wife was operating the clock within a few feet of me. She saw it. And apparently my poor mother who was across the gym also knew exactly what was going on. I remember thinking, at the time, I may actually find it in my heart to love this guy after the game, but right now I really don’t like him.

Coaching involves a high level of trial and error, learning from mistakes. Obviously, we all like to win. Over time, I have learned to guard against that lousy post-game feeling that keeps a coach awake at night on game nights, beyond the thoughts of what I should have done diferent and how to go about making a team better……”did I knock players down with my words and fail to build them back up? Who do I need to apologize to tomorrow? Did my actions honor God?”

Tonight, in my stupidity, my wife was gracious enough after the game to not tell me just how stupid I was. By now, she knows my tendency to admit to and learn from my mistakes (and she has a very good concept of TIMING as a coach’s wife).

What’s my takeaway lesson of the night? In those moments when we shy away from love, when we excuse ourselves from making any attempt to like or get along with another person because we have labeled them as a jerk……….then we become the jerk, and we contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t let someone else’s perceived shortcomings dictate your actions or the way you treat them. I’m sure Satan loves to see me bring out the jerk side of others. I’m sure God desires for me to bring out the best in others. That’s what coaches are supposed to do!

What Men Really Want (And why we don’t get it)

Posted on December 29, 2013 by Karrick Dyer

Because we just don’t “get it”?

Ephesians 5:21-23

²²Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

There is potential to have excessive amounts of fun with this one. But since most who will read this know me personally (mainly my dear wife), I will refrain from following my first instincts of man humor. But this list will not include fast cars, lottery winnings, and a “10”.

What do men really want? Maybe that’s a terrible question. What should men rightfully expect or hope for from their wives (and to some degree, from their families)?

1) To be heard. We hate to repeat ourselves because no one is listening. We don’t like to be ignored. We want our words to have value to others. But……(Our words have no value to others. They become absent of God’s truths, love, and wisdom. Our words fail to encourage, build up, or lead in godly ways. We speak in a tone of voice that would send us into orbit if someone talked to us in that tone.)

2) Trust our judgement. Men do not like to be questioned. Not just major stuff like what’s for dinner. Minor stuff like “are you sure we’re going the right way?”. Mainly we are just like any other human; we don’t like to be treated like we’re idiots. If we’ve made a few good decisions over the years, just trust us to make a few more. But…..(How sound is our judgement? How much thought actually goes into our decisions? Does our thought process include God and His commands? Selfish or selfless?)

3) To be adored. We prefer to spend our time with those who think we’re great. But……(Obviously, we’re not, except in the eyes of our Heavenly Father and through His strength, love, and grace. So we gravitate toward those who don’t grasp or suffer from our shortcomings. We hide from accountability instead of making an honest effort to be a better husband. It’s easier take the shortcut of spending your time with your kids, friends, and co-workers who tend to gratify you based on what you do instead of who you truly are)

4) To be respected. Treat us like you know we will work hard, do the right thing, treat others with kindness and respect. But……(Duh, we just don’t earn it consistently over time.)

5) Peace. Not the kind that comes from knowing Jesus as your savior. We’d just like to have an occasional dose of “a little slack”. To rest, to be left alone, to fish, to golf, to do nothing for a day. But…..(Our desire for “slack” is rooted in selfishness and laziness. Not because we need to but simply because we want to. Meanwhile our wives’ workloads double and our kids long for our attention…….I don’t know, maybe take your kid to the lake or golf course with you and ask your wife what you can do to help her?)

6) Affection. Did I mention that my wife and possibly my teen children and their friends might read this? (Add up your failures in 1-5, talk to and listen to your wife, start bathing daily……..and you figure out the rest).

We want, we want. But we usually aren’t willing to put out much of an effort if we are required to change our habits in any way. Amazing changes happen in relationships when we submit to God’s commands, when we allow God to change us instead of living for selfish desires and demands.

Proverbs 3:5-7

⁵Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

⁷Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.

Ok, I didn’t really get into the whole “wives submit to you husband thing” (and I won’t). My main hope is to challenge men to submit to God. Take steps each day to make yourself a worthy leader of your family. Not necessarily someone to be submitted to, but someone who loves and trusts the Lord. And from that love and trust, grows a level of obedience. From obedience, grows a desire to love and serve others. And from a consistent effort to stay on the paths that God desires for you:

You just might find, you get what you need.

Read It Again, Sam

Posted on December 22, 2013 by Karrick Dyer

Amazing how different seasons of life can give you such different comforts from the same bible verse.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14.

When Kristy and I had 3 kids under the age of 4, I understood it to mean that a drowning man shouldn’t pummel someone who’s trying to save him. Just quit fighting long enough to be pulled to safety. Recognize the times when your own strength is not enough and surrender. Still true, of course, and it’s definitely easier said than done. Now that our kids are older and life seems to move at a slower speed (or maybe I’ve just adjusted my own speed?), I see this verser in a new way.

We become fooled in so many situations into reacting as if other people’s opinions carry more weight than pleasing God. We overreact to others’ actions, reactions, and opinions. I can only be concerned about someone else’s negativity and actions if they believe that I fail to honor and obey God, and give my best effort to grow daily toward the character of Christ………and they’re right. When we are fortunate enough to find God’s righteousness in life’s situations, we can find comfort and confidence in this (just can’t ruin it by explaining to someone how righteous we might feel that we are). Pleasing God is greater than pleasing man. If I’m comfortable with how God sees me in a situation, there is no need to confront or debate someone to the death until they apologize or admit wrong. Walk away.
God’s word really is the owners manual for life (except we can’t shove it in a drawer like a betamax instruction manual and act like we don’t need it anymore).

The same verse can give us God’s truths for vastly different trials in life depending on when we read it. His word, truths, and promises never change…….but our lives do. If we don’t continue to read His word, then lifes changes will surely find us choosing wrong paths, beaten, discouraged, wandering, wondering……..fighting on our own.

Just keep reading!

I’m Not a Freaking Idiot

Posted on December 16, 2013 by Karrick Dyer

Napoleon Dynamite gets offended when his grandma tells him that’s she sending a relative over to look after him and his 32 year-old brother while she is away.

I find myself getting irritated in much the same manner, getting fired up because I’m fooled into believing that I’m entitled to be treated or spoken to in a certain manner.

“Nobody talks to me the way! Who do you think you are?”

When I was younger, I found myself in constant conflict, especially in the workplace because I thought somebody was insulting me, trying to push me around, or talking down to me. Those conflicts have mostly disappeared over time because of two main reasons:

1) Consistent improvement in the basic ability to do the right thing. One tends to get pretty defensive when one is challenged about something that you knowingly did wrong or failed to do at all. It becomes much easier to stand your ground without becoming confrontational (and to let insults and challenges roll off your back) as you progress toward being a person who does what they’re supposed to do as well as doing exactly what you say you will do.

2) Learning (slowly) to recognize the times when my own pride leads me to react in ways that simply aren’t righteous or healthy in relationships.

Proverbs 14:3 A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them.

“I’m not an idiot. I deserve a little respect.”

Respect is earned, not commanded……over time. Obeying God’s commands consistently over time and serving others instead of self accomplishes this……over time, as long as we avoid the mentality of “hey, look at me” and “don’t they know what I have done, don’t they know who I am”. I will concede that it does sometimes become necessary when dealing with our own children to paint them a little picture of sacrifices that are made for them in order to help them discover the concept of respect and gratitude. But in general terms, if you are doing the things that earn respect, it shouldn’t be necessary to demand that someone show you respect.

Proverbs 13:10 Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

So as pride diminishes, so does strife, conflict. But pride never quietly fades away. We must always be aware of its presence, aware of the times when it falsely guides our thoughts, actions and reactions:

“Karrick, I’m going out the door, don’t fall back asleep and make Kal late for school.” And PRIDE answers in my head, “yeah, I know, I’m not a freaking idiot. I’ve been doing this for a while you know. I deserve to be treated like a responsible adult here!” But TRUTH says 1) I need to get my tail out of bed 2) I failed to earn respect because I have a history of fouling up little matters like this.

What about coaching basketball games, engaging in conflict with referees? Not because of bad calls, that comes with the territory. I say it often, but it’s a poor excuse for poor behavior, “I don’t mind bad officiating, I just can’t stand it when they’re jerks about it.” Translation= they challenged me or took actions that tried to show me who was in control. PRIDE on my part answered “I’m not looking for a fight, but I’m not taking a step back either”. And……even though I tell my players to take care of the things that they control and the things that are important, I fail in that very area. PRIDE tells me to keep taking steps forward. Conflict escalates. The things that are truly important in a basketball game, in life…….are pushed aside. Derailed by pride. Losing sight of things that are truly important: people, relationships, the direction of my influence, and my representation of my faith and my Savior.

It’s a dangerous thing to be distracted in life in instances where we allow ourselves to be controlled by feelings of “what we deserve”. I’m certain that I don’t want to dig and fight too hard in this life for what I truly deserve.

Let’s Pretend LIke We’re Not All a Bit Crazy

Posted on December 12, 2013 by Karrick Dyer

“Hello me! Meet the real me!” From Megadeth’s “Sweating Bullets”

Does anybody really have it all together as much as they seem? All the time? Outward appearances may make it appear that way for some. Most of the time I appear to most as a perfectly sane person whose life would seem to be in decent order……or as much as could be expected for a husband, father of four, manager of a family business, middle school basketball coach, church leader. Full plates cultivate character, I guess?

I’m not ready to reveal the secret of where the bodies are hidden, but I do know that most people have a fine line between order and chaos that isn’t visible to others. Between peace and hopelessness. And even for Christians who may have their hope firmly rooted in Christ, it’s easy to find yourself at times on a downhill slide that leaves you in a serious mental funk. And you know better. But you can’t jump for joy because you feel like you can’t even stand up from being knocked down again. It only takes a few events of the wrong type to knock us down. But how do we prevent the knockout? And how do we force ourselves to continue to get back up?

I can’t pretend to write or know about life’s hardest blows that I haven’t experienced…..broken marriages, terminal illness, financial ruin. But I can write about the ongoing weight of leadership as it relates to a mighty and loving God.

“Feeling claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in….”

Heavy burdens of responsibility and leading seem so light at times when our trust and hope are in Christ. Stress……worry……nah, not me.

Matthew 6 ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And then I return to work after four days of visiting with family over Thanksgiving. And serious computer and network problems have left me 5 days behind…….and I still have to coach basketball in my spare time (about 4 1/2 hours of time on the 3 game days this week)……and I still have to get my kids to school and juggle schedules……and did I mention that my wife is out of town until the weekend……and did I mention that there is no physical way to spend the time at work required to “catch up”…….and did I mention that I had a severe headache that required 2 doctor visits and 3 shots over a 3-day period?

“If the war inside my head, would take a day off, I’d be dead.”

And a week later, life has edged back toward normalcy. People close to me knew only of my physical pain. But no one on earth knew of the the war in my head as I struggled with physical pain and the inability to function, lead or accomplish anything as I edged near some type of breaking point. Why do I keep it bottled up? Beause I’m supposed to carry other people, lead other people, hold them up. I have to be strong. No outward signs of weakness. Right? Yeah, sort of.

“Just keep swimming.”

Yes, I did jump from Megadeth lyrics to a Finding Nemo quote. It’s hard to bang into the head of a leader (especially men) that the world doesn’t stop spinning when we fail to accomplish things. Colossians 3:23 tells us to do our best for the Lord, but it doesn’t say to die trying. Take care of yourself and don’t pretend to be invicible. We can’t provide for or enjoy our families from a cemetary (or find success in business, for what it’s worth?). Know when it’s time to swim at a slower pace. Slowing down does not equal defeat. Every day is not meant for world records……thriving. Recognize “survival” days.

I can have full understanding that my strength comes from the Lord, but if I fail to recognize my need for him in times of weakness…….

It gets harder and harder to stand back up, and I find myself be knocked back down again seemingly by smaller and smaller things. Don’t be afraid to slow down. Let someone else fight the fires at work that you’re convinced will burn the entire universe. Let someone else coach your basketball team. Step away from church duties. Do something you’ve never dreamed of doing, SIT STILL and recover. Circle the wagons and heal. As long as your children are fed, warm, and clothed….. take a rest from the rest of the world. Trust God to reveal to you what is really important, and peace will return. Sometimes it becomes necessary to simplify your surroundings, your outlook, and your ambitious nature. And be honest with yourself and with others. When people ask if you are ok, just say “NO, but I’ll be ok. I just need to be left alone.” If God places someone in your path that has the ability and willingness to “refresh” you in some way, don’t turn them away. Even though life does come in quick bursts, life itself is not a sprint. It’s a marathon. Be there for the end.
As Moses told his people as they faced the Red Sea in the front and the Egyptians in the back, in Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

And google the lyrics for “Sweating Bullets” if I lost you.

Just A Dad

"Hindsight is always 20/20. Lookin back, it's still a bit fuzzy." Dave Mustaine

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