Do Look Back

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In a family of six, there are so many days when the kitchen sink is stacked with dirty dishes, just waiting for their turn in the dishwasher as it completes its cycle.  In the name of speed and efficiency, cabinets are arranged over time to allow for quicker unloading operations.

Most important part of this particular system is storing all drinking glasses in the cabinet just above the dishwasher.  This works pretty well as long as the unloader is wise enough to swing the cabinet door into its fully opened position.  But it’s easy to forget when your mind is jumping ahead to the next five things that need to happen as soon as you tame the dirty dishes.  When inattentive dad (me) raises up at full speed with glass in hand from the bottom rack and finds the partially opened cabinet at full-speed, the impact of a bald head on the corner of the cabinet door is a painful experience.  Not sure what Yosemite Sam words came out of my mouth, but I did momentarily fear losing consciousness.

Remain standing, no blood, only a small bump.

As I regained my wits, I began to wonder how each of my  four kids would react if they walked into the kitchen to find me crumpled in the kitchen floor beside my best friend, the dishwasher.

My oldest daughter, 17, would certainly kneel down beside me and put her hand on my shoulder, “Daddy, are you ok?”  (COMPASSIONATE)

My youngest daughter, 15, would quickly assess the situation, “Hit your head on the cabinet, didn’t you dad?  You ok?”  (ANALYTICAL)

My youngest son, 7, would just start searching around on the floor for the wasp that his dad surely leaped up and swatted off the ceiling.  (ADVENTUROUS)

My oldest son, 13, would straddle my lifeless body to put a dirty bowl in the sink instead of the now empty dishwasher and say, “Hey dad, I think I wanna pre-order the new Black Ops.”  (OBLIVIOUS)

Four children, raised in the same home by the same parents, with such drastically different personalities.  How could this be?

Obviously, parents love and cherish the uniqueness of their children.

I feel fortunate to have had an understanding in the early stages of parenting to avoid at all costs the disastrous approach of the “why can’t you be more like your sister!” mentality.  I’m blessed on the flip side of this with the “error in someone else’s ways” approach where you can remind a child who witnesses a sibling’s misdeeds.  “Don’t ever repeat the words that you just heard your brother use!”

Confession:  I have trouble loving the uniqueness of God’s other children. 

I set others up to fail by setting unattainable and unfair expectations.

I expect others to behave in certain ways or perform certain tasks that I perhaps think they should have the awareness to do without being asked.

Maybe most of us share in this dark secret:

We allow our opinions of others to be based on “who they are not” or on actions that they fail to take. 

We expect every co-worker to be as hard-working and dependable as that lone overachiever……but we fail to do anything to encourage them toward better performance or help them find success.

We expect our spouse to notice the exact same unfinished tasks, messes, behavior problems, and hurt feelings, and to place the same value on them as we do .  We expect them to share in the same level of patience, problem solving efforts, and discipline.  But we fail to share with them our views or feelings.  Fail to plan together……….and we silently stew when they don’t choose the paths that we think they should have.

“Were you just waiting for me to unload the dishwasher……AGAIN?” (because you knew I might kill myself in the process?)

At our churches?  Maybe we fail to praise and encourage those who selflessly serve, while we’re too busy noticing or commenting about someone else failing to do something that we silently expect them to do (nobody ever told them or asked them…….they should just know, right?).  Maybe we unfairly compare someone in a particular role to the person who held that role previously.  They should “just know” all that is expected of them, right?

Forming opinions. Setting up people for failure in our own minds.   Judging people for who they are not, for what they are NOT doing.

I can tell you what I’m not……..enough like Jesus.

God loves me anyway.

God’s hope really is that all his children would be like His greatest , the Son of Man.

To be more like Jesus with each passing minute, this is our Heavenly Father’s desire for us.

To be transformed into the chracter of Jesus Christ our Saviour?

A tall order, I know.

A journey with no destination on this earth.

A path.

At what point others have reached on this path, we do not know.  Nor do we know the speed with which they travel.

But we do know that we make a choice to help them or hinder them on that path.

Our words, our actions, and our love can make their next step clearer and lighter.

God empowers us!

If someone is apparently sitting still, maybe we are the answered prayer to help get them moving again in the right direction.

We don’t want to miss that wonderful opportunity because we are busying our minds with thoughts of what they “should” be doing.

I can’t make Him love me less.

But I can please Him more.

God does not want us to fail.  He sets us up for success in every way.  And sometimes success God’s way requires us to enter the uncomfortable world of surrender.

I can talk behind your back about what you’re doing wrong or failing to do at all.

Or I can approach you and trust God to help us find a better way together.

On that same path, moving at different speeds………..I’m thankful for my brothers and sisters who were willing to wait for me, to patiently help me find the next step.

Glad that others didn’t give up on me and leave me behind.

This is one instance where it’s ok to look back.  Might be leaving somebody behind.  Do not give up.

                MATTHEW  19: 25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

                                           26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Might want to look up also.  Might be a sharp object waiting for you.

Or you might find a patient, loving God…..waiting for you to trust Him enough to take the next step that He has prepared for you.

Please Pile One More Thing On My Back

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work overload

I took a personal oath to not use these phrases:
 I’m tired (I’m tarred or plum wore out….are acceptable in extreme cases)
I’m stressed
I’m overwhelmed
I’m so busy
But today, in a moment of weakness, I let my guard down.  My wife called me at work and could tell I was struggling, asked how I was doing.  Without thinking, I responded with the queen mother of all dirty words……
“I feel defeated“.
I knew better.  But… it was out of my mouth and I couldn’t take it back.  Fudge!
The spirit of the rule is to stay in motion to conquer those days (pretty much every day) where life pulls you in too many directions.  Work, parenting, crazy schedules, difficult people, sickness and physical pain, family and relationship problems, taking care of a home.  That last nerve often dangles on a thin thread.  It leaves little margin for error and things can run downhill in a hurry when things don’t turn out as planned (or especially when we simply fail to plan).  Maybe there is an unspoken fear or just the voice of experience that tells us the walls might cave in if we stop moving and stop getting things done. That familiar feeling of having too much to do and not enough hours in the day to get them done.  It’s a hard feeling to shake off day after day.  We get fooled into thinking that our peace and our happiness depends on accomplishing everything that we fool ourselves into thinking we have to accomplish.  We become prisoners of our circumstances and our tasks. and maybe even tell ourselves that we will serve and trust God a little more as soon as we get our head back above water.
Fear and stress can bring you to an abrupt halt and your state of mind only worsens.  Paralized with fear or defeat.
“I can’t do this.”
You pray.
For what?  For God to do your work for you or to fix the mess you made by not planning well or working hard.  Pray and wait?  No…maybe….sort of.   Pray for peace, guidance, and strength.  Pray for the wisdom of growing in the understanding of God’s ways each day.  And get your butt moving.  Day after day, time after time, the to-do list is done, the work is done, and God lends peace from a better perspective of seeing more clearly the worthlessness of worry.
Matthew 6:27 ” Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
When we pray, we don’t know God’s timing, and we do have to wait.  But I don’t think we really need to sit still while we wait.  We’re not doing it ourselves because we don’t trust Him.  We’re simply making a choice to not ask Him to carry us out of a rut that he has given us the ability to walk out of.
It’s usually not until the end of the day that realize that I have “won” yet again.  I always do because my hope is in Jesus.  Why couldn’t I see it that way when that feeling of defeat hit me?  Perhaps because I failed to pray previously for His strength and guidance?  Or maybe I did pray and I just failed to listen for an answer; an answer that could have been something as simple a reminder of where my hope lies.  Sometimes it’s a reminder from an event or a person that lets me know I need to serve and glorify him through life’s storms, large and small……not just before or after the storms.   But on those crazy days where I charge BLINDLY ahead
“I GOT THIS”
like I can conquer this day on my own, it doesn’t seem right to ask Him to carry my burden once I have dug in so deeply in the wrong direction.  Finally realizing my own weakness and stubbornness, turning to God in prayer, my load sure got lighter when I asked him to walk with me………..once I stopped griping and started moving again with HIM.
Of course He was there the whole time, I just turned my eyes and thoughts in the wrong direction.
So go ahead.  Pile it on.
“WE GOT THIS!”

Philippians 4:13  (NCV)

13 I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.

No, I won’t be one of THOSE dads!

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Age 4.  That first time your son or daughter takes the dive into the world of sports.  Soccer, T-Ball, Basketball, Flag Football, anything.  You may think you know what you’re doing as a parent as this journey starts.  But really, you haven’t a clue.  Not only do you have no clue how you’re going to guide your children through this journey, you can’t even begin to guess how they are going to react and perform as they enter the world of competition.  Ten years ago, my timid, daisy-picking child took the soccer field for the first time and hyperventilated from the excitement and exertion of competition.  Rushing back to the present, it’s easy to see the trial & error, missed steps, overreactions, and lessons learned along the journey.  And like so many other things in life, when you finally have a grip on it (what is beneficial, what is healthy, what has value vs what is worthless), you discover that you are no longer doing it anymore.  It is too late to put into practice all that you have learned on your journey.  Hopefully this list will provide at least some value to some of those people in the opening stages of the crazy world of youth sports….before it’s too late.

will ferrell soccer

1)  Never pass up a chance at home to pass baseball or football, shoot baskets, or kick a soccer ball with your kids.  And don’t wait for them to ask.  They will rarely turn down your offer as long as you “play” with them instead of “coaching” them.
2)  Don’t speak critically of coaches in the presence of children.  Kids’ prospects of having fun and improving are crippled when they are convinced that their coach is clueless.
3)  Our kids aren’t gonna be the next Lebron James or Peyton Manning.  Lighten up.  When we cultivate a fun experience and a love of the game at younger ages, they have a greater chance of developing their own high level of dedication as they grow older.
4)  Coaches aren’t perfect or brilliant or perfectly brilliant.  If they were, they wouldn’t be coaching our kids.  Usually they are volunteering for a job that nobody else wanted.  If they’re paid, they’re making about a $1 an hour for their time and effort.  Be patient and forgiving of their mistakes.  Set realistic expectations.
5)  Look for opportunities to teach your kids the importance of effort, attitude, and good practice habits, as well as being responsible for their own success/fun/outcomes.  As kids progress through middle school and high school years, the main thing that separates one player (or team) from another is A) how much time they spent developing skills on their own time and   B) how much effort they choose to put into organized practice time.
6)  Bite your tongue until it bleeds.  Don’t tell your kids what they did wrong or what they could do better…..unless they ask.  This rule applies especially to the car ride after a game.  Tell them what they did well.  Tell them how you love to watch them play.
7)  Never forget how much your approval means to them.  Cheer and encourage every chance you get.  It’s a miserable experience for kids who seem to play to please their parents…..when they begin to feel they can’t possibly please them no matter what they do.  They will never have a perfect game or practice.  Don’t make them feel like they should.
 8)  Don’t coach from the sidelines or bleachers.  Kids’ minds are blown by trying to play a fast-paced game (that they possibly don’t understand yet)  while they are trying to sort out whether to listen to their coach or their dad or mom.  Kids learn best in game situations simply by playing, not by over-coaching.  Practice time is instruction time.
9)  Teach them to not make excuses. Never blame a referee.  Quality of refereeing is almost always better than the quality of play.  Critical talk of referees in front of children is quickly interpreted to mean that a loss is somebody else’s fault.  (So talk about the refs when the kids aren’t around and choose your outbursts wisely….we all have them)
10)  Winning isn’t the most important thing, but doing your best is.  Kids have to know that it’s never ok to half-way do anything.  It’s not a good idea to ever tell kids they played bad, but sometimes it’s necessary to find the right words to let them know that their level of effort could have been better.

Obviously, I have learned all these things the hard way (by screwing them up).  So if anybody has more to share, I would love to hear them since I am still learning.

macy 2003     DSC00132

Oh yeah, MOST IMPORTANT ONE- for extra points
11)  Every game isn’t the end of the world.  Watch, cheer, encourage…………..and enjoy the funnest years of your life.  It will be over too soon and then you’ll be back at home , bored and looking for the Beverly Hillbillies on Netflix.